thoughts on 6/8/12

A little background story: So Jamie and I went to the movies this past sunday and i finally kissed her! after all these months, finally i created something. The next day my ex asked me if i could drive her home so i said maybe, she said ok ill take that maybe as a yes and since i didnt have a reason to say no besides i dont want to, i ended up driving her home. When we got to her house, she leaned in for a hug, so i hugged her back and then as we let go, she pecked me. To not make it awkward i just said goodbye and she left and went inside. I drove home and continued on with my life

The next day on a tuesday, toni told seline, and seline told jamie. Now lets take this time out and explain this. When it comes to ruining my life, Toni is anything but short of ideas to stop me from talking to girls. Toni knows she cant talk directly to Jamie so she chooses the next best thing, Seline. Toni knows that Seline doesnt really know when to be quiet, whats a secret and whats not, and shes best friends with Jamie. All of this adds up to one common denominator: Seline is the perfect messenger. Toni is talking to Seline because Toni knows that whatever she tells Seline, she will run and tell Jamie.

Back to the story: So on Tuesday, Jamie texts me and says how i kissed toni the day after i kissed jamie, which is true and i completley understand why Jamie is mad, but at the same time i dont. Because Jamie has been saying all this time that she just wants to be friends she just wants to be friends but whenever i act single, she wants more but thats just her nature. Between the stories she tells me and between what i can gather just from personal experience, Jamie lives by the all american girl motto: she wants what she cant have. But when it comes to this, i just cant find that common denominator. I act like i dont want her so she will want me, and when i finally think i have her, i turn around and start acting like i want her and then she doesnt want me back and im not planning on pretending i dont want her forever.

So now me and jamie kind of got into ... not a fight but it want a one sided exchange of my emotions. I told her things i didnt want to tell her in a million years but with me joining the military and all, hey, this could be the last 5 months that i ever get to see her so nothing is stopping me from telling her how i feel even if she doesnt feel the same way. Which she doesnt. So right now, either way the wind blows doesnt really matter to me. Sometimes i wonder if she doesnt like me only because im going away. Kind of like a non-conscious mechanism to avoid getting hurt, which doesnt phase me all that much since i want to be the last person that hurts her. After all this exchanging, we now stand at just friends, which is all weve been since just before that Black Sunday which now stands as the Worst Victory ive ever had. 

Moral of the story: I built up all of this. All the nights talking to her, all the nights sharing how we feel, all the i love you's and the fun times on the phone or in person, just, everything was too good to be true, and it was too good to be true. I had it so well that i could almost hold what we had in the palm of my hand but now as i stop to think about it, how much really was there? Nothing? When your trying to grasp a hold on some thing thats not existent, when do you know that you really have it? I thought i had this all built up but the love that was there was only a figment of my imagination. A thought that i developed that i knew would give me hope for a better future but in reality, it was nothing more then a thought, nothing more then my imagination running away with me.